someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
