I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
