im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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