Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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