then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
