Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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