I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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