i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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