He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
