Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
