Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
