I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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