...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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