You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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