Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
