I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im six kinds of drunk right now
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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