Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
