I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
