My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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