Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
