that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
