You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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