nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
