1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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