I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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