Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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