Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
