The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
