dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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