My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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