someone owes me an orgasm
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
