Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
