remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
