He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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