I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
