the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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