Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
