my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
