At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
