Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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