I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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