Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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