You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
