benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
