gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
