I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
