how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
