Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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