i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
