STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
