..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
